stayingafloat

When everything feels like the movies, yeah you bleed just to know you are alive.

2011-03-29T15:37:00.003+05:30

The above image is a postcard from www.postsecret.blogspot.com

A close friend when her ex boyfriend resurfaced in her life began wondering if he was actually the one. This was a person who would have to try really hard to bring her to smile, but could still reduce her to tears in a single phone call. Her overwhelming response to him, ten years back and today made her wonder. He did stir up emotion in her the way few other people could. Even if it was an emotion that made her truly uncomfortable, gave her sleepless nights (not in a good way), and made her unhappy. She began considering that since he could affect her in the way he could maybe they were destined to be together. I reasoned with her that she couldn't be further from the truth. Relationships, specially the most defining ones, are meant to be effortless and happy. But then how could we explain the overwhelming response.

Pain, in the absence of anything else, is a truly powerful emotion. It makes you feel more alive than an ordinary average day. And it continues to make you feel at the center of the stage. Which brings to mind our constant need for drama. Emotional encounters, prolonged arguments, discussions on non existent issues - which get long, loud and dramatic.

While both pain and drama have their rightful space, their space should, in my mind, be limited to the role they play in being able to contrast the more happier emotions-everyday happiness in the little things. And when it is a matter of choice, especially if it a life defining decision and if you could debate on both sides of that argument, I say, let it go.

I've been awake for a while now, You've got me feelin' like a child now, 'Cause everytime I see your bubbly face, I get the tingles in a silly place

2010-04-28T15:21:00.005+05:30

I believe in the power of belief. Yes, I believe in The Secret. I agree that we think our life before we live it. And we live it exactly as we imagine it. As we thought it. And in this way we really choose it. On retrospect it is even more evident.

I believe I am blessed and privileged for most part. I have my happy lenses. I am surrounded by friends and family whom I can trust blindly and with eyes wide open. I make friends easily. My human pyramid is well balanced. I mostly love what I do for a living. Always have. And more often than not, do it decently well.

And because I believe this, my life is pretty much a proof of this hypothesis. I have never had to struggle with people, work or life in general.

Now I tried to apply this, consciously, to the less effortless part of my life. And that's where there seems to be an issue. It is not so simple. You can't fake belief. I tried. It doesn't work. You can't consciously guide your conscience. You can't fool the gut. There is no room for Doubting Thomases. The way out seems to be in dealing with the Doubting Thomases. Solving for them. Removing the obstacles - real or imagined. Cleaning the cobwebs. And then making room for belief.

The kind of belief that is complete in itself. That unwavering belief that does not need you to touch a lot of wood. Belief that does not need logic as backup. Belief that does not look for signs to reaffirm.

If I can think it, then i can do it. If I just believe it, there's nothing to it , I believe I can fly, I believe I can touch the sky

cause I'd get a thousand hugs from ten thousand lightning bugs, as they tried to teach me how to dance

2010-04-23T18:02:00.007+05:30

It's been a while since I posted. In fact it has been over a year, almost two and now I am here to claim my virtual real estate back. So all you Chinese herbal remedy vendors, bugger off from my comment section, and sell your wares somewhere else.

OK now let me get to the point. Yes, I do have something to say.

Most of us spend our lives trying to be responsible, trying to deduce the logic, try to make sense of our actions, trying to rationalize our behavior, trying to be polite, trying to get our spellings right, trying hard to color inside the lines.

The other day I was thinking, that all of the above could be learnt. In fact it is what we are continuously taught and intern teach. What can't be learnt is actually quite the opposite.

To act from the gut, to be irresponsible, to act irrationally, to say what you feel, to think out loud, to not suppress the ‘kida’ inside. To color outside the lines.

You can learn, whenever you want, to color inside the lines. So for as long as you will, enjoy coloring outside!

que sera sera, whatever will be will be, the future's not ours to see

2008-09-21T21:20:00.005+05:30

lemontree is chasing harry winston. lemontree went to khan market with oil in her hair. lemontree wants her sitcom back. lemontree is dealing with the next five - one at a time. lemontree is looking for a sign. lemontree likes the sound of fatum. lemontree is on a flight with deepika pudokone - she is not that tall. lemontree's cell died on her. - she missed the call - everything happens for a reason. lemontree is thinking goa, singapore or the us of a. lemontree is fighting addiction. lemontree is enjoying sunday with her little brother. lemontree is connecting the dots. lemontree is looking for her lenses. lemontree is living on a prayer.

wishin' and hopin' and thinkin' and prayin', plannin' and dreamin'

2008-01-09T23:03:00.000+05:30

since it's that time of the year when everyone is in high spirits and you can actually feel the hope not just outside but even inside of you i thought of making a few wishes

i wish for a little bit of music
i wish i discover some favourite books
i wish for shona a bundle of blue
i wish for ananya memories of pink
i wish for additions to my fun vocabulory
i wish to temper my enthusiasm with grace
i wish to become friends with the scale
i wish to redefine the scale
i wish to find my eluding someone
i wish i discover another world
i wish for myself self respect
and i wish i don't let it come in the way of family, friends and love

unbelievable sights, indescribable feeling, soaring, tumbling, freewheeling... a whole new world

2007-08-03T11:26:00.000+05:30

It's been a while since Quicksilver and Iris both tagged me to write 8 random facts about me. And since I am back to blogging and enjoying it and am motivated by Pink's take on the same let me not waste anymore time .

To begin with let me proclaim Quicksilver and Iris as Queen of the Universe. And now the 8 facts.

1) I cannot file and paint my nails on my own. I need expert help.

2) I cannot cannot wait on a traffic light. Red/ Yellow/ Green, Cop/ No Cop I just have to go.

3) I am extremely shallow in my choice of men. I like the good looking ones. They make me feel like a girl.

4) I am completely weight corrupted. I cannot eat chole bhature without guilt.

5) I am not extremely fond of dogs and kids. Only Warney and Ananya.

6) I feel completely lost and vulnerable if I don't have a book to read and a cd to watch. No such thing with music.

7) 4 out of 5 times I would wear lipstick and remove it.

8) I cannot remember ways and my spellings suck.

What I mean :

1) My sister spoilt me growing up. She always painted my nails. And now I have to pay.

2) I am extremely patient otherwise.

3) I am thinking about the children.

4) Somebody please order chole bhature for lunch.

5) I would love you, if you are mine.

6) I cannot admit to being dependent on people. Only inanimate objects.

7) And that is the intended look.

8) Thank god for spell check.

Then there were doors that wouldn't open unless in you asked politely, or tickled them in exactly the right place, and doors that weren't doors at all

2007-07-31T15:35:00.000+05:30

56 days back I turned 30. Which essentially means that I have nothing more to fear and that this post is way overdue. Last year I had made some wishes (six to be exact). Here's an update on what unfolded. And yes I am keeping score.

The sense of freedom to push the limits and do some completely wild things
This is where I surprised myself the most. The wild thing I had in mind was replaced for a completely different wilder thing. Of all the things that money can buy, this is the very best.

The curiosity to explore a new interest
I think I should reword it as the confidence to explore a new dimension. And for the first time all my networking profiles are complete with pictures. ( I know silly old me)

The will power to stand the test of time and change that one thing
When I wrote this I really meant two things. One was to find the new equilibrium in an old defining friendship. Balance has been restored and a new enjoyable equation is in order.
The other was to win my fourteen-year-old battle with the bulge. The battle continues and will probably join me in my grave, but I think it can be said that a few rounds have definitely been declared in my favor.

Restfulness in spirit to enjoy some moments of self sought solitude
No complaints on this count

The innocence/ experience to trust family and friendships blindly
Even better has been the experience of seeing things for what they are, staring them in the face and loving them with eyes wide open

A personal witness to everything in life- the good things, the bad things, the special, the mundane
And while I still await my frog, there is a newfound enthusiasm for discovering a few princes on the way

Lemontree

Mostly unreasonable & generally happy

You've already won me over in spite of me, And don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet

2007-05-03T16:13:00.000+05:30

I love having endless cups of tea in office. I like having a cup right after lunch. Sometimes I feel guilty and switch to coffee, just to give Madan (the office boy) more variety.

Have being having a busy and fun time. The other day in the middle of the hustle bustle, a long lost cousin, whom I was never particularly close to called and downloaded. Was having some trouble and wanted an ear, a shoulder and a heart. I was willing to drop everything and be there. Learnt an important lesson. So many times we feel all alone. And very lonely. And really all we have to do is ask for help- pick up the phone and call. Ironically, amongst the hardest things to do for most of us is to make that call.

Extra ordinary people are completely capable of having ordinary needs. Unreasonable requests come from reasonable people.

The picture above has been captured by Taraa. You can read her at www.randomangst.blogspot.com. T, I couldn't wait. Hope it's ok.

From the archives

2007-03-18T17:25:00.000+05:30

The other day I was asked if you were dependent on me. And my immediate response was 'yes, ofcourse, sure.'

And now I, 'the independent one' reflect. When I miss: my advisory role, from career direction to word selection, my constantly being on standby 'just incase' and my imagined veto power on your any and every deicison. Did I, the person who subtly gaurded her independence, not become the one more dependent. Dependent on your dependence.

Or else you're alone and then you suddenly dig, You're looking in someones eyes, you suddenly realize that this could be the start of something big

2007-03-05T18:20:00.000+05:30

This pretty much sets the tone for 2007. I was visiting didi in the states December end and woke up to the start of an awesome 2007, and I have been feeling like I am walking a feet or two above the ground since. The world seems like a really nice place with nice people. No guys, I am not in love nor have I found that significant someone. Nothings really changed. (Sidenote: Except for a new laptop - read macbook ) But I am back. To a new beginning.

The US trip was complete with a wedding, trailers to the happy married life, a day in NYC by myself (which included watching mamma mia), and a basketball game.

This update could have alternately be titled "I show you.." . This title lost by a very small margin, basically for the sake of continuity, of having song titles/lyrics as blog titles (In case you hadn't notice). Ananya, my two year old niece, when I would be trying to help her with something- anything, would try and take it away from me and repeat "I show you, I show you..." . This whiny request would get louder and could even become a scream. Now whenever the gym instructor is teaching me a new exercise and I am short of patience, or I want to explain exactly where to find the phone book setting on the motorazr, I continue to nod my head and follow through, but somewhere I can loudly hear the two and a half year old child within me screaming out impatiently and with all honesty, "I show you..."

Cheers to that and to 2007!

And hey , thanks for insisting I write. Feeling good.

and all that is gone and all that's to come and everything under the sun is in tune, but the sun is eclipsed by the moon

2006-12-24T00:00:00.000+05:30

In the middle of an illness, a sealing and a conference, Rajan got engaged. To Isha. A studio was set up at the venue for photograph portfolios to get done. It was fun to watch and tease the just-met-a-month-back couple as they got themselves clicked. Their joy, excitement and enthusiasm was obvious in spite of being veiled by consciousness and discretion. Through the evening they played to each others expectations while using each opportunity to guess the limit. To test and know what was acceptable and what was not. Stretching the joke and hoping the other doesn't take offence.

And then in the same studio, Rajan's maternal grand parents, Mr & Mrs Jain decided to get photographed. The joy, excitement and enthusiasm here was derived from pride- pride which comes from being together. Pride which showed through their eyes and their body language as they stood tall before the camera. The discretion still existed. But the boundaries were well known and accepted. There was comfort and there was security. And it wasn't at the cost of anything else.

Both these couples, were not reluctant to celebrate their special someone's. To congratulate themselves on being most fortunate. Touchwood.

In the midst of the action, I was quite under the weather, physically and otherwise. Met Ruchika for lunch. And she gave me clear, unclouded perspective and advice. And she did so, so subtly and discretely that I actually bought into it. And now it feels like Christmas!

Because the greatest love of all is happening to me, I found the greatest love of all inside of me

2006-12-10T18:38:00.000+05:30

At a conference dinner, the other day, I spotted a matchstick box with a colleague/ friend, R. The matchbox was branded ‘Delhi’ and I thought it was really cool, and felt even cooler about myself for having noticed how cool it was. I asked R to give it to me once it was empty. R immediately removed all the matchsticks put them in the ashtray and gave me the now empty match box. And this made me
feel like blogging.

At the same conference I discovered a branding concept with real relevance to personal life. Did I say I truly enjoy these things! The concept basically details how human behavior can be divided into ‘host like behavior’ and ‘guest like behavior’ and how some people are more prone to be hosts/ guests no matter what the situation. I decided that in life, I want to play host. It makes me feel more secure, in control, comfortable and wanted.

BTW I truly truly enjoy watching Big Boss at all levels. For the sheer pleasure of witnessing the drama brought on by real life. To congratulate myself on being amongst those who can see thru all the instruments employed by Big Boss to ensure that there is enough drama (knowing fully well that everyone can!). And to be able to appreciate the sheer marketing genius. By the way my favorite has already been evicted. When I picked my favorite even I surprised myself. For those of you watching, any guesses?

Nobody said it was easy, No one ever said that it would be this hard

2006-09-12T01:09:00.000+05:30

What is the opposite of black? Is it really white? Isn't there a distinction between extremes and opposites? Don't black and white have more in common than shades of gray?

I am comfortable with black and white. I can identify with both. They are what they are. They have no shades. They exist as absolutes. They stand for themselves. They are complete in their identity. They can look each other in the eye. They can negotiate with each other. They can co-exist. Within the same territory.

It is the gray which makes me uncomfortable. I have difficulty understanding it. The gray merges everything with it. It clouds vision. It tries to remove the boundaries. It tries unwittingly to establish a common ground. It grudges black and white their space. It makes everyone lose.

I like straight lines. Lines running parallel. Lines intersecting. Lines converging. Lines diverging.

What is the opposite of red?

The future's in the air, I can feel it everywhere, blowing with the wind of change

2006-09-04T12:10:00.000+05:30

A line in my horoscope reads 'nothing will remain the same'. I notice it.

I delete all the messages in my mobile by mistake.

I find my new visiting cards on my desk.

My room is being painted white.

I only read fiction, but the last three books I have read are Maximum City, Bringing Down the House and Freakonomics.

I finally have reason to change my password.

My operative time clock is changing. I still revere my past but I have a crush on my today.

PS: Ananya, truned two on 25th August. Wishing her the naughtiest year ahead.

you want to sing, you feel like spring, you want to pass it on

2006-08-03T15:45:00.000+05:30

because my last post drew an errie silence (other than Jenn ofcourse), and because I have been tagged by Vij, and mostly because I had time at work with nothing to do and the tag seemed relatively simple here goes.....

i am thinking about
Changing the color of the walls. From yellow to white. Changing the cushion covers, the bed spread, the blinds. Making them all white. Organsing the books in height order. Playing chants in the background and inviting the girls over for vine.

i said..
To my mom that if the astrologers she believed in were true, I would have been married four times over, would be sitting by the beach, spanking my four year old for troubling my two year old. And then we both laughed.

i want to...
spend the rest of my life being irresponsible.

i wish...
I could fly. Really fly. Only fly.

i hear...
My grandfather saying “I am proud of you”. He used to say it often. And I used to love the sound of it. It meant both that I belonged and that I made em proud.

i wonder
If Ananya will remember row row row your boat when I meet her next. And if she will still say O wow. And if the bag I bought her will make her say it. And I also wonder about what Warney is thinking. Especially when he puts his head on his paws.

i regret...
letting good sense prevail

i am...
a little girl who still believes in fairy tales

i dance...
hoping no ones watching

i sing...
On top of the world , while I am floating on my back, staring at the sky. I even sing humko mann ki shakti dena when I am scared of falling off the horse. And I always sing listen to the rhythm of the falling rain when it rains. And of course I sing christmas carols through December.

i cry...
and after that I always look pretty

i am not always...
original

i make with my hands...
Friendship bands. In various colors. Same design.

i write...
because it makes me happy

i confuse...
between labtop and laptop and then I think and I know. Also between right and left and I have to always stick my hand out to know.

i need…
a witness

And Iris, Seashells, EOR, and magalilunel.blogspot.com, yes you have been tagged. Please indulge me.

Runaway train never going back. Wrong way on a one way track. Seems like I should be getting somewhere, Somehow I'm neither here no there

2006-08-02T18:29:00.000+05:30

I have nine headaches. Each has a different name. And they wont go, not in a hurry. My eyes fall on the vase. There are seven yellow zebras. I can treat them with the zebras. But I am two zebras short. Michael and John are still here. They have decided to keep me company through the night. I avoid them and start counting the stars in the sky. I spot Nancy. She begins a conversation. She is on their side. She joins them on my crowded bed. I try ignoring them. They are pulling at my pillow. I throw the pillow to the ground. I twist and turn. I pull the cover to my head. But now they are watching television and it is to loud. I want to sleep. I want to be able to get out of bed tomorrow morning and go to work. That will make me feel better. Now the three of them start laughing. Work will make her feel better. Has she thought of where she is going? I start singing to myself. Something we used to sing in my school assembly. They get bored. I see them leaving from the corner of my eye. Now I can hear the clock. Its making too much noise. I need to pull out the battery. But I don't have the strength. To move . Or to scream.

Tried so hard and got so far. In the end it doesn't even matter

2006-07-14T17:43:00.000+05:30

Fiction
You drew the circle. Someone needed to be left out. You did not change the radius. I have never asked you why. You choose me. I was your best bet as the person who would understand. And of course I understood. My conscious self did. But inside somewhere something broke. Without a noise. And you are the one who is disappointed. How and Why?

Back to Fantasy
While watching the world cup final, I was wondering if I could be any person in the world cup whom would I be. Before going further let me concede that ed I am quite the football lay person. Was debating between the referee and the goalie, and within a second the choice was clear. I would so want to be the goalie. A team player, with individual glory. And if I was to be a part of rock band, I would want to be the drummer.

Reality
I was in Bombay when the blasts happened. We were in a 5 hour jam from Ballard Estate to Bandra. I was pleasantly surprised to see people stopping vehicles and giving out water and biscuits. And I thought to myself how this would so not be the case in Delhi. And no. Not because delhites are a less compassionate people , but because we have far too many inhibitions. However Bombay pays a price, and a high one at that, to get their uninhbitedness. More on that later.

The book of love is long and boring, And written very long ago, It's full of flowers and heart-shaped boxes, And things we're all too young to know

2006-06-03T22:48:00.000+05:30

In a few hours (two to be precise) both my dad and me add another candle to our birthday cake. Yes, among many other real and virtual things we also share our birthday. Anyway that was a (interesting) diversion right at the beginning. Back to the real story (?).

As a kid (till last year) I would do a whole priority thing in my head right before blowing the candles and wish for just one most important thing. There was no way I would want god to think I was greedy (lest he get angry) and neither did I want to distract him by giving him too many options. And even though some of them still did not some true, I will still continue to do the priority thing as a blow off the candles. I thought let me just put the whole exhaustive list right here. This is not in any particular order.

So what does this 28 year old wish the 29 year old ?

The sense of freedom to push the limits and do some completely wild things
The curiosity to explore a new interest
The will power to stand the test of time and change that one thing

Restfulness in spirit to enjoy some moments of self sought solitude
The innocence/ experience to trust family and friendships blindly
A personal witness to everything in life- the good things, the bad things, the special, the mundane

While some of this may seem a little vague and big picturish, when you read between the lines they are all really specific wishes, specific parts which make up the whole. And I will do an update on what unfolds, same time next year.

As I went down in the river to pray, studying about that good old way, And who shall wear the robe and crown, Good Lord, show me the way

2006-05-18T18:06:00.000+05:30

When you trust the world the world responds to that trust. I have been around people who border on the extreme when it comes to spirituality. And I closely know someone who has bordered on the two extremes at different points in his life. From intolerance to dependence.

For me I know I am not a disbeliever. I assumed that to mean that I am a believer. In the recent past have had to really stand up to that test. Practicing religion without really knowing why. Taking it to an absurd extend. All because I knew I was not a disbeliever. At the end of it felt lost, worn down and even a little weary. Started questioning myself. And after a while started getting the answers.

Simplisticly put, there are energies around us. Which can be channelised by us. By the faith we place in them. When we start thinking about something, wishing it to happen, the universe starts conspiring towards making it happen.

These energies can work both positively and negatively. Haven't you ever been really wronged and felt hurt and wished the worst? And then witnessed something really go wrong for your personal villain? Ironically Satan needs less persuading. And also when we wish bad on someone we are far less selfish. Its not really about any personal gain for us, not even in any remote way.

The Golden Temple can change lives. This power has been bestowed on it by the faith placed by people. My belief that the blessings of the Golden Temple will have a positive influence on my life, channelises energies towards the Golden Temple, to do that. You have to only imagine the faith placed by millions for centuries- which then will begin to explain the aura of the Golden Temple, how it actually is a life altering experience. Albeit only for those who believe.

Faith is what explains the difference between the invisible and the non existent.

Have you ever made a deal with god?

Faith is what makes sure that, God and I, we both keep our end of the bargain.

Your face is your fortune, so some wise men spoke

2006-05-02T15:38:00.000+05:30

The other day while watching Kajrare Kajrare on some obscure television channel, with undivided attention, while others in the family sat appreciating Aishwarya Rai's beauty, dancing abilities etc, I started thinking about how perfectly this song has been cast. (I know not really a remarkable or unique observation and also too late in the day, but anyways)

Aishwarya transfers her own 'brand' on to the role. So to her role of a notch girl she adds grace, charm and the 'play hard to get' bit. To really dramatise what I am trying to say, imagine Mallika Sherawat assaying the role. See!

She makes kajrare kajrare a bridge product. Bridge products help break barriers. They help bridge the gap. They enable people sitting on the fence to get recruited into the category. What sheeshas do for smoking and what breezers do for drinking. There are enough people who don't smoke but don't mind the occasional sheesha, of course it has tobacco but it comes minus the taboo. It is consumed through a pipe and comes in green apple and strawberry flavors for crying out loud.

How is Kajrare a bridge product and for whom? Well kajrare becomes the bridge item no. for girls looking for happening yet acceptable nos to dance on, in family sangeets. There weren't as many girls belting out "Babuji zaara dhere chalo, mirchi laagi...." in the midst of proud parents, aunts, uncles and even in laws.

On a related note:the world can be basically divided into two : the haves and the have-nots.

Haves are people who are born beautiful (of course all children are born beautiful, but some distinctly, visibly more beautiful than others, and these are the ones I am talking about). And if that wasn't enough they grow to just the perfect height and have perfect bodies.

The have-nots are god's lesser children (not children of a lesser god- I think it is far better to establish a hierarchy amongst the mortals, than amongst the gods), who will spend a better part of their lives trying to bridge the gap. They may not be beautiful (in the skin deep way) but they are usually a wee bit quicker on the uptake. During their impressionable years their well wishers (read moms) urged them to and they readily believed that there may be a trade off between beauty and brains. And so they spent considerable amount of time honing the latter. However when they go into the real world they realize, this is not really the case. Beauty exists both with and without brains. There really is no trade off. Suddenly it doesn't even make sense for there to be a trade off. They then go back to trying to bridge the gap, but alas by now its a wee bit late and the gap is too wide.

After thought: My blog is the bridge for the book I intend to write. And my camera phone the bridge.........

The truth is never far behind, you keep it hidden well...

2006-04-04T14:18:00.000+05:30

I think things like our passwords can tell a lot about us.

First is the matter of the password itself. The literal meaning, the area it draws from, its connect in our lives. It can be quite telling about our moods and swings.

And then our behaviour with our passwords. People who have the same password for forever and people who change their passwords every fortnight. At the obvious rational level, this behaviour tells us about peoples varied security needs. How some people take security for granted and others may be paranoid. At a sublime level about peoples need for stability, change avoidance etc. Given that their lives may be changing at what seems to them to be an alarming pace.

There are people who are liberal with their passwords and people who would guard their passwords with a passion similar to that of the black cads. Cover the keyboard, look over their shoulder, a sight which is quite amusing. Maybe correlated with their willingness/ unwillingness to share their lives with others, or maybe a need for attention, to be drawn out.

Ok back to the word in the password. My passwords for one are normally titles of songs. Titles which mostly tell a tale. My first password and a password which stuck for a long time was ontopoftheworld. Yup that is the way I felt. From there it moved to comfortablynumb. A song I hadn't even heard. Then there were Iamabarbie girl, asmallworld, mannkilagan all of which enjoyed brief stints. And then for a longish time it has been lemontree. Why lemontree? Well the inspiration is fool's gardens single. What gets me is the upbeat tone on this otherwise mopey number. That's me for now. (Sidenote: when you read the lyrics sing along for the upbeat tone)

I'm sitting here in the boring room
It's just another rainy Sunday afternoon
I'm wasting my time, I got nothing to do
I'm hanging around, I'm waiting for you
But nothing ever happens and I wonder

I wonder how I wonder why
Yesterday you told me 'bout the blue blue sky
And all that I can see is just a yellow lemon-tree
I'm turning my head up and down
I'm turning turning turning turning turning around
And all that I can see is just another lemon-tree

Ok onto another thing . Which can again quite tell our lives, moods and swings - cellphone wallpapers.

And so telling the past six months through my motorazor.

Cool Quotient, November 05

Warm Heart, December 05

ImPerfect Harmony, Goa 05/06

Blissfully Bored, January 06

Switch, April 06

PS: Am so off to change my password.

PSS: It was a technological challenge for me to transfer these pictures onto my laptop. Three cheers to small victories.

2006-03-31T14:15:00.000+05:30

I want to do different things and it aint the same as doing things differently.

On the dance floor oh kudhiye

2006-03-07T12:06:00.000+05:30

Recovering from a close wedding in the family. Grand, opulent, nevertheless lots of fun. Felt better equipped to handle it since my sister, Shonali, was in town. Actually the time I actively miss her the most is at these social gatherings. Its like it was always the two of us side by side at these places. We were like born as a pair (almost). And when she is not there I feel lost. With her by my side, we were sure to get all the right attention. By sheer association.

Ok back to the wedding. Open on to the sangeet. To the dance floor. The stage is set and the dance begins. The frantic coordination, hours of practice sessions (some more fun than the sangeet itself) boil down to the 15 min parody with me participating in one of the seven songs and sharing the stage with 6 other people, thus really having a 1/49th part (so much for the math). Amongst the seven of us in this particular song is Shona as well and this is the first time we have shared stage space.(Not counting her brief role in her own sangeet) So a Kodak moment all in all.

After this practiced version one finds the dance floor empty. At this point I am a little surprised . Like this is a really hip and happening sangeet I am talking about. As proof let me just mention that one of the pre- wedding parties was gate crashed by none other than Rahul Gandhi (see I told you ). Its a different matter that post his arrival he was more the cause for celebration than the couple themselves. But whatever.

Anyway so I do what everyone else is doing. With a busy step I go and look around for people to play host to. I said I am family (almost). God bless aunt poo, not only does she provide me with the opportunity but also keeps me sufficiently entertained . I proceed to other people , do some hellos and closely avoid some others. And start wondering what the whole point of the exercise is.

I feel the need to destroy the peace and quiet on the dance floor. And at this same moment I see people from all over joining me in the movement. Actually I am no longer certain I started the movement. But all in all a whole bunch of us find ourselves on the dance floor. -family, friends and strangers alike dancing to the music , singing above the music and losing ourselves some.

On the dance floor I dance with everybody and their uncle and its quite fun. We dance in full form on Kajrare Re Kajrara Re with each one in their own space pretending to be Aishwarya Rai, on Right Here Right Now, On Pathshalla complete with hand brushing and side butt movement . I remember hearing a strange 40 year old voice requesting "Do Glassi" and me wondering how did she even know.

A friends group on the side does practically classical dance movements with expressions et all. Oh and then there is this guy, my parents would gladly have me marry, who, I think , is happiest dancing with the groom ;)

A bunch of people form a human chain and dance towards another human chain. I join them briefly. I get people to the dance floor. Then I go off the dance floor and people get me back. Its somewhere quid pro quo.

Soon its really late in the night (actually its early in the morn) but we are all still in full form, actually this is the point when we (and now I use we not for the small close group but for everyone on the dance floor- see my spirits are improving) are in max form , but the DJ is tired (he does do this everyday - to him its a job and no matter how much he enjoys it it comes with the baggage of work) and from some loud Punjabi no. he switches to Tujhe dekh dekh jeena. You heard me . He switches just like that. And suddenly I feel single. Very single. For the first time it really hits me how single I am. I feel even more single as there is no one I even think about. (So this happens to be a real white space. Marketers are you listening?)

I see people doting over their partners. I see people exchanging glances from across the dance floor. I see people ignoring their partners. And I even see people uncomfortable with their partners.

The puppets who are a part of the decor observe me brimming with enthusiasm, starting chains, abandoning chains, feeling elated, feeling single and at some point even getting bored. All on the dance floor.

And now having exposed the sangeet, the wedding and myself I for a moment wish this blog was truly anonymous. But, only for a moment. :)

I am a big big girl in a big big world , its not a big big thing if you leave me , But I do do think that I too too will miss you much, miss you much

2006-02-06T20:35:00.000+05:30

I have been writing a lot of blogs these days, in my mind. But that doesn't seem to be working. Firstly I do a good job of the beginning and the end and don't bother with the middle. And so there is little satisfaction. And more importantly while I get to the end I can't imagine the comments and then a response to those comments, which is the best part. You need someone with more imagination. Too virtual for me I guess. [lol]

The other day I was having a conversation on how it is important to take time out and grieve. To deal with all your emotions - the hurt, the guilt, the disappointment or else you are just going to add to your emotional baggage. During the conversation we agreed generally on how men have it harder. And that set off a spiral of thoughts.

Why is it that men have it harder. Or what makes it easier for women. The answer which has been lurking in my head I must admit is rather simplistic. But it just rings so true.

Women have it way simpler because of their girlfriends. (not to say that men don't have girls in their lives who are just friends, but that is different-believe me.)

Girlfriends are people who will always be ready to discuss and analyze anything and everything for hours -from your coworkers compliment to the bitchiness of the parlor women- and they would willingly hang up with their-still-to- be-boyfriend for the same.

They know and understand that it is an emergency of the gravest kind when the dress you were planning to wear on new year no longer fits.

They would open to you not only their minds and their hearts but even their wardrobes.

They would vouch for your work, even though they don't really understand what you do.

They will get all upset if they read what they think is a depressing post on your blog and wait at your doorstep to help you sort the issue.

They will help you come up with instant solutions to all your problems- solutions which will not really work in the long run but would sure cheer you up for then.

They will ask you pertinent questions which will help you come to answers you were trying to evade.
They will mirror your mood. They will see reality like you want them to.
They will always remember all the details but give you enough room to change your mind.

They will get a wee bit guarded when another one enters the inner circle but would make just enough space.

You will have unrealistic expectations of them which they will obviously not always match, but give them your silence they will be quick to notice and make up in all possible ways.

They will make sure you always get roses on your birthday.
They will spoil you with their attention and understanding and make you unfit for most other relationships.
They love you not inspite of who you are but because of who you are.

To all my girls this one is for you. You know who you are. And of course deserted, even though you are all man you make it to the list.

On another but not totally disconnected note- I have been tagged.
Thanks Ditty. On two counts.
1. This is a first for me.
2. The topic rakes a burning issue

Quoting from Ditty
Begin Quote "Rules of the Game.
1. The tagged victim has to come up with 8 different points of their perfect lover.
2. You have to mention the sex of the target.
3. Tag 8 victims to join this game & leave a comment on their comments saying they've been tagged.
4. If tagged the 2nd time, there's no need to post again." End Quote

The Perfect Lover
Gender: Strictly Male

Point No.1: Must try emulate all aspects of girlfriends- all qualities hereto defined . However since men have a problem getting anything in one go some have been reiterated below

Point No.2: When I talk, you need to listen. Really listen with your mind and heart. And if you are really listening am sure you will agree to whatever I have to say. Incase you don't agree it just means you have not really been listening.

Point No.3: You need to be tall. This is one of my quirks. I just need someone to look upto. And small chance of it happening figuratively so might as well take a literal interpretation.

Point No.4: You must understand my sense of humour. Hey come on I have a great sense of humour. If you don't get it pretend to get it.

Point No.5: You must always get me red roses for valentines and wish me at midnight on my birthday. Even if I am asleep. I would be waiting.

Point No.6: I am not very sensitive. But there are somethings I am sensitive about. You need to figure them out. And no, asking me what these are is not really an attempt at figuring these out.

Point No.7: On some days I am going to pretend I am Aishwarya Rai. Play along.

Point No.8: Someday you may just be No.1 on my list. But it won't happen too soon. And even when it does you can never confirm this in front of my best-friend.

And now the tagged:Pink , Vij, Enemy of the Republic, Jenn, Vanessa, Jay, Blue river and eM. Please humor me ;)

2006-01-28T22:40:00.000+05:30

when coffee dreams it dreams of chocolate

What is the opposite of ironic?

2006-01-22T23:36:00.000+05:30

Was wondering what is the opposite of ironic. Turned to the thesaurus and it gave me sincere. Duh. It really is more like

- having a ball, coming home an hour after curfew but five minutes before dad drives in

- finding a really close friend when you think you really are too old to be making new friends, taking a ten day vacation together and coming back as even closer friends

- skipping going out, spending time with your little brother and rolling with laughter on jokes that only the two of you get

- having friends with whom you can discuss the comments section of the blogs you read, knowing you are not alone in your insanity (lol)

- realizing that you really are in love with your best friend and knowing that he loves you back, and it is not twenty five minutes too late

um still searching for the word. Is it fairy tale. Nope. Not quite. Its simpler. Maybe magic ? the magic of everyday living

every little girl deserves one. can't thank god enough for mine. this one is for you .

2006-01-15T01:25:00.000+05:30

saw in her shoes. cried the entire second half. don't know what it is with me and movies. in real life i hardly ever cry. of course i feel bad, but then i rationalise the situation, the action etc. but nothing gets me to tears. almost. but give me a movie, any movie and i will at the very least shed a few tears.

anyways, the speech at the wedding would stay with me always. but the part where i shed the most tears and which by inference touched me the most was maggie (younger sister) telling simon (fiancee) little bits about rose (elder sister) the day before the wedding. and simon telling her, for each one of those bits, that he already knows.

and her understanding silence. the unsaid thing.

you may think you know her but i only wish that one day you know her and understand her the way i do.

the same prayer i said exactly three years back, the day you got married. and this one got answered.

ps: we look so similar and yet so different, we have lived the same yet varied lives, and like i remind you often i am amongst the only two people you share hundred percent of your blood with.

pss: i carry your heart with me, i carry it in my heart

(i know you think much of my literary genius but this last line is by ee cummings)

tujhe dekh dekh sona, tujhe dekh kar hai jagna.......

2006-01-12T15:18:00.000+05:30

still playing in my head. from last evening.
wondering can it all really be this simple.
is it the feeling or the person. am i confusing something.
and then is it even important. why can i not stop over analysing everything and just flow with the moment.
or is it that we analyse because we are afraid to flow.

Theme For A Dream

2005-12-12T12:17:00.000+05:30

There are dreams that make you nervous, evoke fear and even invoke a 'thank you god' for not being true- which make you get up in the middle of the night and reach for the wood on the side of the bed.

And then there are dreams which are the casual continuation of your day, which really happen when you have been over sleeping say on a Sunday and so your sleeping time and waking time really merges and starts playing tricks on you. Dreams where the dog is whimpering to be let out and you get up and see a puddle on the floor, or dreams where your mobile is ringing and you are woken up by mom holding the land line with your bestfriend's call who is wondering whether all is well with you (you don't usually ignore eight of her calls within an hour)

Then there are those nice relaxing dreams akin to the small joys in life where you enjoy a chocolate truffle like really eat it , taste it and all that and just before you can start feeling guilty you wake up and smile to yourself .

And then there are dreams from which you just don't want to wake up- and in case you wake up you want to go right back into sleeping - hoping against hope that you could go back to enjoying the reverie even if for a few more minutes- dreams where everyone suddenly realizes your true worth- where all the worthwhile men in the world recognize you for the Greek goddess you are and are falling at your feet to make up for lost time.

But the most exhilarating dream for me is the one in which I can fly. It always begins in the same way . I am walking really fast and then begin running. I feel completely weight less and then rise above the ground. I open my arms and they feel like wings. I feel the air pressure which helps lift me up and then its like I am flying. Really flying - feeling the wind, looking at the world beneath, soaring .

It is exhilarating. A weightlessness of spirit. Beyond words. It is worth experiencing.
So there really is a whole different thing I mean when I sing to myself

I believe I can fly, I believe I can touch the sky

Money money money oh so funny .....

2005-12-07T17:46:00.000+05:30

Let me begin by first acquainting you with my 'saver self'. I am a saver and when I say that it means that no matter how much or how little my pocket money and now my salary is , a substantial part of it needs to be saved. And this has been the case from as long as I can remember. Through school, through college even through post grad hostel days. No not that I really anticipate rainy days (touch wood/ TT) and even if there were some - don't know how far my 28 years of savings could really take me, but I just save- the only rational explanation that comes to mind is that in mom's book its a virtue

And so essentially I have never really been broke- at times have created artificial scarcity to feel broke but whatever.

However festival money (diwali, rakhi, teej etc), birthday money and visiting people money all form part of the splurging-without-thinking package.

The other day was just thinking about how this splurging money would always be defined in my head not by its absolute no. (in which case it would just get added to my savings) but by what it could buy .

So when I was eight the twenty rupees that I got on visiting nani's house would be registered in terms of the number of Dairy Milk's it could buy me.

When I was eleven the fifty rupees that grand dad would give me would be represented by the three Archies I could buy from Midland or the sticks of choco bar that could be bought.

Somewhere in the teens the money would represent the no. of books that could be bought. That was the time when I wanted to possess all the books I read- the logic of it I don't get now.

Then the no. of CD's that I could buy. CD's were so damn expensive then. And I wanted this collection going to the ceiling.

And then the no. of Benetton T ShirtsI could buy (my mom thought of this as a real waste of money- shirts ok, but t-shirts- round neck no way)

And now this year I have been thinking and thinking but there is nothing I can think of as a scale. Money seems to have lost its sheen. I can't think of what to splurge on.

No, its not that I have everything. But what I don't have is either what I don't want or too expensive to want. So have decided not to want it. I am not the type who can save and save and save for a platinum watch- not worth the while.

And so in a crazy way I feel sad. About not having something that excites me in the way Dairy Milk's and Archie's and Books' and CD's could. About not having something to spend my Diwali money on.

Thin red line

2005-12-01T18:17:00.000+05:30

She would stay awake before her finals to teach him. She would wait for him while he finished class. She would look out for him in the group. She would include him in all the sessions. She would be there besides him watching movies that did not interest her. She would cheer for him when he played. She would be interested in all his stories- his small moments of triumph. She would second guess if something was bothering him.
But this she would do for all her close friends.

She would wait for him for hours and then walk the other way when she saw him coming. She would dance with everyone else , as and when, but wait for him to ask her to dance. She would sulk if he didnot give her her rightful space but get all awkward if he singled her out in his invitation. She would travel to be with him and then pretend that his presence was incidental.

He would cancel other plans to spend time with her. He would finish faster because he knew she was waiting. He would attend classes because she was there. He would grow a beard, because she said she liked bearded men. He would introduce her to all his friends. He would make friends with her friends.He would single her out in his invitation. He would enquire about her plans before he confirmed.

Alas he would do all this for just a friend

underneath your clothes there's an endless story. you're the man i choose you are my territory

2005-11-29T19:40:00.000+05:30

yesterday, had i done a mind map of what i was feeling it would have read something like silly, exposed, small, angry, even bitter. and all this because of a nobody in my life. a nobody who is going through a midlife crisis, tremendous insecurities etc etc. but knowing all this could not help me feel better yesterday. i had to take time out to feel what i was feeling in its entirety. had to live the feeling completely before it would vanish. deal with it thread by thread. go back to the details . understand their meaning. take my time with them.

and then today there is a sense of relief. i feel comforted, calm, secure and even loved. and i experience all this in a more heightened sense today, because of yesterday.

Movie of my life

2005-11-19T12:41:00.000+05:30

Sometimes I feel that in the movie of my life I will not play the central character. As in there will be no central character. Like a lot of constant people and the stories of their lives woven through my life. Whoever walks in is there to stay. For life. Mostly.

But then in a no. of movies I would play a key role.
And in almost no movie would I play an extra.

Is it ok that this to me is consoliation enough?

On Cold War With Myself

2005-11-18T18:59:00.000+05:30

Tears and fears and feeling proud
To say I love you right out loud
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds
I’ve looked at life that way

But now old friends are acting strange
They shake their heads, they say I’ve changed
Well something’s lost, but something’s gained
In living ev’ry day

I’ve looked at life from both sides now
From win and lose and still somehow
It’s life’s illusions I recall
I really don’t know life at all

- Joni Mitchell , Both Sides Now

metaphorically speaking (again)

2005-11-10T19:55:00.000+05:30

have you ever searched for your glasses while they rest on your ears
have you ever looked around for your cellphone while speaking on the same
at times in your preoccupation in looking for things you miss them completely
and then you notice them
and smile
a very satisfied smile

This Diwali

2005-10-31T11:33:00.000+05:30

I have realised that I like playing cards more with people I have played before with. However it is important to add more people in the card human pyramid as some people may lose interest , quit playing or move away next Diwali.

I like a game to end with one big winner and a number of small losers rather than the other way round.

I do not like winning from younger people. Though there is nothing I can do about it.

I like winning from stuck up players. Players who have a loud opinion on everything. Who will suggest when they join the table that you play anti-clockwise, when everyone has been playing clock-wise or who will argue about Ace, Two, Three being higher than Ace , King, Queen. On my part I don't care as far as everyone else on the table is ok and agreeable. But for all those who argue lets rest it once and for all. King vs Two. What is higher? Can there be two points of view?

It is nice to temper diwali with things other than playing cards. Puja and Aditi do not play cards. And had some really nice moments with them over the weekend.

Due to the Saturday blasts (which I refuse to call 29/10- too gimicky) did not go to the card do in gurgaon. And due to an insane conversation with dad was given to belive that its best to be home as there may be a curfew , and you wouldn't want to be stuck somewhere else on diwali. Aditi came over. Did not want her to spend Diwali by herself in the hostel incase the worst happened. And with school-girl excitement the two of us watched Karmasutra. I saw the movie when it was released with Puja and Mansi. I remember loving it then. All in the name of art.
Now i love the movie. Period. HeHe. I think it is a bigger turn on then blue movies which continue to gross me out.

On Sunday post gymming met up with Puja. And we had the best time. Planned some dinners, which given our previous plans have a slim chance of ever happening, but were great planning. Complete with the ambience, guest list, decor etc. Checked out the new music system in her bar for one of those dinners. The system rocks.
Then we went out and got pedicures. Post which went looking for dhaba chai but settled at Barista for a cup of honey ginger tea. Felt teenagy and girly and best friendy. Except that when we were teenagers I don't remember getting a pedicure. And there were no Baristas.

Foot note:
What happened on Saturday was terrible. Should not have happened. However a thought I have sometimes voiced and sometimes not over the past 2 days whenever someone said "How will they sleep tonight?"

To them we are the enemy. And their goal is to destroy the enemy.
The question I really seek an answer to is that given their motivation, their sense of right and wrong , in the pursuit of their goals (which are likely to be worthy goals in their worlds)when they have done what they have done, would the Gods also forgive them. The Gods who have complete view of all sides. Do we feel angry only because we don't see the complete picture.

Metaphorically speaking

2005-10-20T10:32:00.000+05:30

They say never judge a book by its cover.

Then how is one supposed to pick up a book in a bookstore with a million books there.
To begin with how does one even start.

I don't like to go on recommendations. Don't want to miss out on the thrill of finding something just by chance.

And then how long before one has to make the decision.
You can't possibly read the whole book at the bookstore. Its romantacised but believe me its uncomfortable. I like to lie down while reading my book. And you get stared at by the person waiting (almost in line) for you to vacate the chair.

So at most you flip through a couple of pages and make your decision. You strike a trade off, between being stuck with something tonight that you can't go beyond 20 minutes with and missing out on a book which really reads like the story of your life. You take your chance with one of the five contenders. The other four you miss out on. There are only so many reading hours.

Now if they had said "Never judge a book" at all , it would been a whole different thing.
Experience it, live it , think it, love it, hate it. Just don't judge it.

On a similar note , my mobile phone has just had a cover change. Have fallen in love with it all over again. From wanting to replace it this minute to recognising an unsaid connect between us.

a woman knows

2005-10-05T15:17:00.000+05:30

women are perceptive about these things. we know when someone is making a pass. we know when someone is falling in love. with us. with our neighbour. we know when a trainee has a crush on us. we know when one of us has a thing for our boss. we know a friend from a lover.

we know that anon is in love with resonance and is driving her insane. and we know that the sun is all out to make the earth fall in love with him.

resonance knows. earth knows. they are women too.

then why do we pretend to not get it?
do we confuse innocence with ignorance?
do we assume that men too don’t get the difference?

whatever happened to simple daily horoscopes

2005-09-23T18:04:00.000+05:30

" Date of Birth: 06/04
Your internal computer just got upgraded today and your head is buzzing with all kinds of new information, LEMONTREE. The good news is that you should be able to process all these bytes at lightening speed, thanks to the new chip that seems to have been planted in your brain. Act swiftly and with great confidence, and you will find that you can talk your way into the White House for dinner."

metaphoric horoscopes. written by advertising geniuses. what next?

My favourite day in September

2005-09-22T12:55:00.001+05:30

Thinking of my favourite day this month. Number of contenders.

The sunday i spent lazily in bed after my oil massage reading Memoirs of a Geisha. Or the day we drove from Jaipur to Delhi via Ajmer (!) due to a highway jam and landed up on the most beautiful 35 km highway stretch in the Forrester with nusrat fateh ali khan playing in the background and lots of forgotten moments playing in my mind.

Or the day at the beach in Goa , when it was raining and there was water from above and water from below and only a few sparing souls at the beach with the water washing away some part of my vague-resemblance-with-the-Indian-map arm tattoo and me greeting the waves while singing on top of the world and take a chance on me alternatively to them.

Or this other day in Goa when I was the most fun person I can ever be- a person I don't often meet and a person with a lighter approach towards life. Its funny when this happens- and i know its not a pretend but it isn't the everyday me. It's like this lemontree is far more alive. uninhibited and spontaneous. And has a great sense of humor. And is really popular with the opposite sex. And all this completely effortlessly. I know even I want to be her. Always.

Anyhow all these (yes, including the last) do not compare with this other day.

To be continued

2005-09-19T22:45:00.001+05:30

Strong words. Softly spoken. Deceptively strong.

unrequited

2005-09-19T22:17:00.000+05:30

for people who are single and people who are couples
for people who are completely happy with the way things turned out and people who are still in waiting
everyone at some point or the other wonders
about feelings left unexpressed
unexpressed and perhaps unrequited
perhaps requited
the perennial question with no answer

remebering forgotten words which never fail to strike a chord

"kabhi kisi ko mukamal jahan nahin milta

kahin jameen to kaheen asmaan nahin milta"

"patta patta boota boota haal hamara jaane hai

jaane n jaane gul hi na jaane, baag to saara jane hai"

therapeutic

2005-09-19T18:28:00.000+05:30

drawing up a list of things i find completely therapeutic

1. cleaning- my hand bag, my mom's drawers, my bathroom (scrubbing et all)
2. waking upto a body massage and then sleeping all over again
3. watching pride and prejudice bbc series over and over again
4. sorting papers, punching them and filling them away
5. applying nail polish
6. shopping at the kirana store for regular stuff
7. shopping for stationary
(suprisingly no shopping for clothes- too much choice, clutter brain, and lead to low body image :()
8. stretching
9. making templates for presentations
10. planning parties, trips etc knowing they are not going to happen
11. making to do lists

concluding (which incidentally i don't find therapeutic): i love secretarial jobs, and am most lazy about using my brain and then my body

goa

2005-09-15T12:13:00.000+05:30

i am going to goa tommorrow!!!!
got to know yesterday.
while i am going through the days proceedings there is a little tune constantly in my being
an upbeat little feeling
haven't felt like this in a while
excited little thing

happy birthday ananya

2005-09-14T15:21:00.000+05:30

Thursday, August 25, 2005
you are one today and even though we have met before i think its time i can give you a formal introduction- we are pretty much on the same wave length now- with you driving your mom nuts- i love it when you do that

i am your masi which as your mom would have told you means her sister. but it doesn't end there . it actually derives its origins from two words : ma (meaning mom) and si (meaning like) so its literal meaning is "mom like"

you know sweet heart its amazing how much you mean to me. unlike your mom i was never very fond of little people but you are a whole different story. they say and i belive that 'blood is thicker than water', you are the most blood i would share with anyone your size!!

you are a bundle of mischief and energy. and the absolute gold standard in children. you are the only 5 month old i have known who would sleep for a straight 8 hours, wake up with a smile that said pick me up, had the coolest hair, the cutest gigle, an adorable 'stick-my-tongue-out' expression

ananya you are my pride.

love , masi

ps i like calling you anna at times which your mom hates, so will control it here (can be our secret)

pss the other day while chatting on the net with your mom i was asking her what you were upto and she said you were trying to switch of the comp and sure enough two minutes later she wasn't online any longer

no recommendation

2005-09-13T17:37:00.000+05:30

read this book recently which i really liked- true and outstanding adventures of the hunt sisters.
what made it really special was the fact that i picked up on my own at a bangalore book store. the book had nothing recommending it - had not heard of the author , neither did i know anyone who had read it. so wasn't expected to like it- no pressures from anyone

it came into my life just because i happened to find it when it was reaching out. so much more special than some much better books from the bestsellers list.

quite like certain friendships which happen in a snap- when and where you least expect them- in the middle of an academic year, on holidays, at the gym. where the peripherals may seem much unlike you and while peeling through you find the commonalities. the differences helping keep the relationship more alive and spontaneous.

no recommendations and no strings.

The Bus

2005-09-09T17:30:00.000+05:30

For as long as I can remember I have used the analogy of getting onto the right bus for finding the right person and it is amazing how far it can be stretched.

Bombay (kind of) rocks

2005-09-03T14:08:00.000+05:30

Went to Bombay last week and since blogging is new in my life, like a new love it is occupying my hundred and ten percent mind space so came across a no. of things worth blogging about . However devoting individual blogs to them would be a little forced and a little overdoing it , so just writing a single unconnected (in parts) entry

Travelled kingfisher. Partly for the experience, mostly to be able to talk about that experience (haha). Anyhow it was awesome. Would recommend it to everyone. Firstly a return ticket to Bombay cost around 7400 odd rupees. So client should be happy. Reached the airport and felt truly priveleged with some boys in red helping me with my bags and treating me like a little princess. They carried my less than 5 pound weighing rug sack for me, helped me check in etc. For the men reading this, the women (air hostess) are hot. And they wear short red skirts. They are probably the same in terms of their looks as their jet counterparts but it seems mr. mallya has made sure that each of them got a really swanky hair cut and wears make up thats well done but has a lot of color. On haircuts I have finally cut my hair really short - and feel great- but that i think deserves another blog. Mr. Mallya even comes on your personal video screen in the aircraft and tells you that it is like u r visiting his home. Anyway got panic attacks during both landings- thought in my mind " Am I mad to trust my life in the hands of a party freak." Other than these cumulative five minutes was singing "We like to party" to myself thru and thru.

Visited my friends neha and xerces. They are both under thirty and have bought a place at carter road. All by themselves. Am awefully proud of them and wanted to take this appropriate opportunity to show off. (Macker and Nidhs don't get upset your places will get their mention too but not in a bombay post)

Through the windows of my aced cab i saw some street kids making a group around this van blaring "govinda ala re". Amongst them i spotted this one 6 year old girl wearing a rag skirt resembling a lehnega , with a rag cloth wrapped around her like a chuni. With (what looked like) her mom watching her from a distance. She felt appropriately dressed and she looked appropriately happy. She danced before everyone else and she spun the fastest. In that moment she owned the world. She was consciuosly and unconsciously the princess.

Went out for dinner with noddy and his girl, Pooja, to Apple. Nice place. Too nice. Had a great time though. Reliving our times and roles at MDI. Pooja put up with this rather well. She's a great person. Hope they get somewhere. By the way I wasn't affected at all. Given that we are great buddies. In general I don't get affected by my closest friends boy/girl friend. Guess I am not made that way.

My Dad

2005-09-03T11:54:00.001+05:30

Last Sunday I found myself at a friend’s engagement. Where I bumped into a whole lot of unconnected people, including my almost cousin’s ex-girlfriend. Someone I have never known well but known for like half my life. After exchanging salutations she enquired about my sister, parents etc. And then again about my father. She went on to tell me how she thought my father was “good looking”. Good looking is not something I would use to describe my father and so I was like “good looking??” She offered. “Handsome” and I was like “really” and then to save our selves from further embarrassment we both quickly agreed on “great personality” and she added that she admired him greatly. While all this made me stand tall J it set off a spiral of thoughts in my brain.

About the spontaneous associations I have with my father and how the same have evolved over time.

My earliest memories go back to when I was four and I would hear my dad sing in the shower. I believed he was a great singer and could make it as a playback singer, only that the career may not be worthy of him. He could also be a great actor, newsreader etc etc. This was around the same time he would take my sister and me shopping every Sunday followed by a dinner with family friends. At this time our relationship was extremely simple. I called him papa. He the indulgent father and me his favourite child (we share our birthday)

Next came the teenager years. When to the rest of the world, including my sister, he seemed like the strict parent who wanted his daughters home before eleven. No matter what. But to me he seemed reasonable. He would spend time letting us know his reasons. How he trusted us but not the world.(And me at thirteen bought this!) He would have conversations with us till late into the night. Over topics ranging from his teenage years to ours, our family’s history to the Beatles. Conversations, which at times became monologues. And much to mom’s dismay he didn’t see much value in teaching us the value for money. So we had credit cards in our early teens and most other things we fancied. He was strict yet reasonable, and remained indulgent. I think this is the time we started calling him dad.

Then came the early twenties. A trying time for my family. And I saw a different side. He remained strong but became gentle. They say the hardest steel is born from the hottest furnace. He stood by my sister. She was going through a hard time. She needed him. He was there for her. Whether she was right or wrong. She became his favourite child. And I relented with pride.

Recently my brother joined the business. And I anticipated some friction; some need to smoothen out the way. But he surprised me. He completely let him lead the way. He was the proud father of his twenty-four old son. Without the son having to prove anything. That’s what he surprised me with.

So my sister became his favourite child. My brother the worthy heir. And I turned twenty-eight.

I have strong opinion. Which he is not always interested in knowing. Which bothers me some. He monopolizes all my time with mom. Which is annoying.
He commands attention. He makes no requests.

We still share our birthday. This year I casually mentioned I didn’t want to be in town for the same. Without knowing why he made sure we were at the Ananda’s.

He remains the person in my life who can and does make the impossible possible. He is not my pal. He has the guts to be a father. He is my dad.

Absolute

2005-09-01T15:47:00.000+05:30

Disdain living in comparison
Like living in the absolute.
I am happy. In an absolute way. Not in comparison with my neighbour.
I am rich. Again in an aboslute way. Can afford what I want.
I am paid well. For the effort i put in.
There may be always be people who are more or less happy, rich, better paid or under paid.
At an absolute level it doesn't matter.
However I am undertall and overweight in comparison. And it matters :(

Many questions.

2005-08-31T17:09:00.000+05:30

Started logging onto msn again
Log in everyday
Hoping to find you
Why? Don't know
You stopped logging in, It seems
Why? Don't know
Once upon a time
We used to login at the same time
Coincidence? Don't Know
Were we ever more than friends
Today, I don't know.

lost

2005-08-30T14:10:00.000+05:30

wrote a really long post today.
on something really close to my heart.
because it was so close was wondering should i publish it or save it as draft.
i pressed Publish Post and technology back fired and got me to an error page.
tried recovering it and couldnt
now i am thinking is it 'deicisin made' or should i take things i my own hands (literally) and re write
am lost

Ignorant me

2005-08-24T10:57:00.000+05:30

I was telling my colleagues yesterday how I don't know the name of the vice president of our country or any other country for that matter as it just doesn't interest me. One of them quickly rattled of the name in his bid to educate me. But I proceeded to inform them that this was something which just doesn't interest me or catch my imagination. And having known me now for more than a couple of months and my ignorance on a vast variety of subjects they asked me then what did.

While I stumbled my way out of there rather un-intelligently stating that people I know and how their lives evolve did, I knew what I was talking about but decided to word it better.

So what interests me is not the external environment and how that evolves but the internal environment of a person- the human mind- and how that works. How different people react to the same stimuli, what makes up those differences.

The exact words of the song . The music, the obvious and subtle emotions interest me more than the band name and credentials. The painting and what it conveys statically more than artist and his background. Second guessing my best friends thoughts, completing people's sentences, reading my dog's mind as opposed to knowing the vice president's name.

born lucky

2005-08-16T13:15:00.000+05:30

i count myself amongst the lucky people in the world.
there have been no windfall gains in my life. neither can i account for any major incident as a stroke of luck.
then what makes me feel lucky.
i believe fate is on my side. through a string of moments that make up life.
i feel lucky when

i see a car pull out to make a perfect parking spot for me in the chaotic market place
i make it thru the red light just in time
i switch on the radio to hear a long lost favourite song
i make it home in time to catch my favourite TV show
i win my family version of KBC
i plead and beg but manage tickets for a bollywood blockbuster, first day, first show (third actually), 10 mins before the show

i feel lucky cause these things happen more often than not
i feel lucky knowing that fate will enable me to make the most of today!

Personal Clock

2005-07-22T14:51:00.000+05:30

Remix. Remix. Remix. Remix.
On Star One. Hate the name. Love the show. Why?
What about the show makes it tick. For me.
A show by, for and of 18 year olds appealing to the evolved me at 28.

Being a researcher and a self proclaimed psychoanalyst the why has always been of special interest to me. In this case more than just interest as have used media ethnography as a key research tool. What makes people addicts to certain serials, columns etc. What can we learn about them from their choices.

So this WHY is imp for me to answer not just for random reasons but even to validate my researcher self.

My brothers simple statement " U love this show cause you are still trying to live your co ed school fantasies." Some facts there. Simple. Bare.

From the macro perspective the show appeals to me at various levels. To my multiple self perceptions- real and aspirational.

But decoding further I find that most of us have a time clock. Some people live in the past, a few in the present and some in their tomorrow.

I am amongst those people who operates in her past. No doesn't mean I am more nostalgic than other people etc. Just that while living today my operative time clock is yesterdays.

So through college I was still living what can be called my Mater Dei School hangover.

I have a more obvious need to be in touch with people. To include them in my today. To continue to live my today like it were yesterday.

2005-07-06T10:44:00.000+05:30

a minute to myself
devoid of anyone else
or anything else
no ceiling to stare at
no stimuli of any kind
no music, no book
no, not even a pen

just really me and myself
my thoughts for me
not a diary to be read

On Destiny

2005-06-29T23:09:00.000+05:30

Believing in destony implies an acknowledment that I am weak, waeponless and passive.

Do I belive in destiny or do we have the power to shape our own future, does the control lie in our own hands or in an invisible force.

I believe that each of us has certain personality traits which we really can't change.
Wether we are talkative or shy or witty or sarcastic or lazy or materialistic or spiritual.
It's all formed so early in life it's almost like we were born that way.

And then there are things which happen to us. Events. Again beyond our control.

Our reactions to these events is what shapes our future. Are these reactions really ours. Our reactions/ decisions are based on our inherent personality traits. Ya those same one we were almost born with. So all the choices we make or don't make our really already decided .

So do I belive in destiny?

Crowded

2005-06-29T22:59:00.000+05:30

Why is it that I can never do just one thing at a time?
When I am putting on my shoes why do I also look for the car keys?
Why does my mind race into various directions while watching my favourite tv show?
While driving to work why do I reach out for my phone?
Why do I have to fill every empty minute of every day with something?
Why can i not manage to slow down?

fundamental ?

2005-06-24T14:01:00.000+05:30

why do bulls charge when they see red when they are actually color blind?

some thinking on relationships

2005-06-23T11:22:00.000+05:30

we are always looking for the balance in relationships.

often we find relationships not in equilibrium and think that they are not balanced. well they are balanced as in they have settled to a position. the position is usually not one of equilibrium.

it is much like a see saw. the person who can change the situation with the least amount of effort is the person at the bottom. he is the person in control. responsible for letting the other person enjoy what is commonly seen as the superior more exhilarating position.

this discovery to me is quite comforting.

The Talk

2005-06-22T17:36:00.001+05:30

Anushka is sitting on the almost famous steps. In a foul mood. Staring at the ground and so does not quite notice when Ajitabh comes and sits besides her. She is already late for class and so collects herself and is about to move when she realizes his presence. He nods his head and raises his eyebrow questioning her to stay. She sits back and wonders to herself why does she relent.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

He gave her her name. Anush. When she was 21 . And then the whole world started calling her that. Suddenly. Just like that. Including her family. Her best friend.
She would wonder why it would have to take 21 years for her name to be distorted to an obvious endearment.
Why it would be him, someone with no defined relationship in her life. No not even a close friend.
She still wonders.