underneath your clothes there's an endless story. you're the man i choose you are my territory

yesterday, had i done a mind map of what i was feeling it would have read something like silly, exposed, small, angry, even bitter. and all this because of a nobody in my life. a nobody who is going through a midlife crisis, tremendous insecurities etc etc. but knowing all this could not help me feel better yesterday. i had to take time out to feel what i was feeling in its entirety. had to live the feeling completely before it would vanish. deal with it thread by thread. go back to the details . understand their meaning. take my time with them.

and then today there is a sense of relief. i feel comforted, calm, secure and even loved. and i experience all this in a more heightened sense today, because of yesterday.

Movie of my life

Sometimes I feel that in the movie of my life I will not play the central character. As in there will be no central character. Like a lot of constant people and the stories of their lives woven through my life. Whoever walks in is there to stay. For life. Mostly.

But then in a no. of movies I would play a key role.
And in almost no movie would I play an extra.

Is it ok that this to me is consoliation enough?

On Cold War With Myself

Tears and fears and feeling proud
To say I love you right out loud
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds
I’ve looked at life that way

But now old friends are acting strange
They shake their heads, they say I’ve changed
Well something’s lost, but something’s gained
In living ev’ry day

I’ve looked at life from both sides now
From win and lose and still somehow
It’s life’s illusions I recall
I really don’t know life at all

- Joni Mitchell , Both Sides Now

metaphorically speaking (again)

have you ever searched for your glasses while they rest on your ears
have you ever looked around for your cellphone while speaking on the same
at times in your preoccupation in looking for things you miss them completely
and then you notice them
and smile
a very satisfied smile