Theme For A Dream

There are dreams that make you nervous, evoke fear and even invoke a 'thank you god' for not being true- which make you get up in the middle of the night and reach for the wood on the side of the bed.

And then there are dreams which are the casual continuation of your day, which really happen when you have been over sleeping say on a Sunday and so your sleeping time and waking time really merges and starts playing tricks on you. Dreams where the dog is whimpering to be let out and you get up and see a puddle on the floor, or dreams where your mobile is ringing and you are woken up by mom holding the land line with your bestfriend's call who is wondering whether all is well with you (you don't usually ignore eight of her calls within an hour)

Then there are those nice relaxing dreams akin to the small joys in life where you enjoy a chocolate truffle like really eat it , taste it and all that and just before you can start feeling guilty you wake up and smile to yourself .

And then there are dreams from which you just don't want to wake up- and in case you wake up you want to go right back into sleeping - hoping against hope that you could go back to enjoying the reverie even if for a few more minutes- dreams where everyone suddenly realizes your true worth- where all the worthwhile men in the world recognize you for the Greek goddess you are and are falling at your feet to make up for lost time.

But the most exhilarating dream for me is the one in which I can fly. It always begins in the same way . I am walking really fast and then begin running. I feel completely weight less and then rise above the ground. I open my arms and they feel like wings. I feel the air pressure which helps lift me up and then its like I am flying. Really flying - feeling the wind, looking at the world beneath, soaring .

It is exhilarating. A weightlessness of spirit. Beyond words. It is worth experiencing.
So there really is a whole different thing I mean when I sing to myself

I believe I can fly, I believe I can touch the sky

Money money money oh so funny .....

Let me begin by first acquainting you with my 'saver self'. I am a saver and when I say that it means that no matter how much or how little my pocket money and now my salary is , a substantial part of it needs to be saved. And this has been the case from as long as I can remember. Through school, through college even through post grad hostel days. No not that I really anticipate rainy days (touch wood/ TT) and even if there were some - don't know how far my 28 years of savings could really take me, but I just save- the only rational explanation that comes to mind is that in mom's book its a virtue

And so essentially I have never really been broke- at times have created artificial scarcity to feel broke but whatever.

However festival money (diwali, rakhi, teej etc), birthday money and visiting people money all form part of the splurging-without-thinking package.

The other day was just thinking about how this splurging money would always be defined in my head not by its absolute no. (in which case it would just get added to my savings) but by what it could buy .

So when I was eight the twenty rupees that I got on visiting nani's house would be registered in terms of the number of Dairy Milk's it could buy me.

When I was eleven the fifty rupees that grand dad would give me would be represented by the three Archies I could buy from Midland or the sticks of choco bar that could be bought.

Somewhere in the teens the money would represent the no. of books that could be bought. That was the time when I wanted to possess all the books I read- the logic of it I don't get now.

Then the no. of CD's that I could buy. CD's were so damn expensive then. And I wanted this collection going to the ceiling.

And then the no. of Benetton T ShirtsI could buy (my mom thought of this as a real waste of money- shirts ok, but t-shirts- round neck no way)

And now this year I have been thinking and thinking but there is nothing I can think of as a scale. Money seems to have lost its sheen. I can't think of what to splurge on.

No, its not that I have everything. But what I don't have is either what I don't want or too expensive to want. So have decided not to want it. I am not the type who can save and save and save for a platinum watch- not worth the while.

And so in a crazy way I feel sad. About not having something that excites me in the way Dairy Milk's and Archie's and Books' and CD's could. About not having something to spend my Diwali money on.

Thin red line

She would stay awake before her finals to teach him. She would wait for him while he finished class. She would look out for him in the group. She would include him in all the sessions. She would be there besides him watching movies that did not interest her. She would cheer for him when he played. She would be interested in all his stories- his small moments of triumph. She would second guess if something was bothering him.
But this she would do for all her close friends.

She would wait for him for hours and then walk the other way when she saw him coming. She would dance with everyone else , as and when, but wait for him to ask her to dance. She would sulk if he didnot give her her rightful space but get all awkward if he singled her out in his invitation. She would travel to be with him and then pretend that his presence was incidental.

He would cancel other plans to spend time with her. He would finish faster because he knew she was waiting. He would attend classes because she was there. He would grow a beard, because she said she liked bearded men. He would introduce her to all his friends. He would make friends with her friends.He would single her out in his invitation. He would enquire about her plans before he confirmed.

Alas he would do all this for just a friend